Oh, God, Why?

     I... I just don't know anymore. I used to think that there was some good left in modern American culture, or at least pop culture, but even that has been shaken to its core. To preface: This truly is a tragic day for all of geekdom. Prepare your torches and pitchforks and set your sights on Hollywood, because I have a premonition that this development will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I mean, one can only take so much before the pot boils over, and I think the gas on the burner has just been turned up to the crucial setting. 

     "Is it truly the Apocalypse?" shout the cowering masses as panic begins to grip the crowded streets. "Can the rumors be true? Surely there is some mistake?!" 

    Brother, don't I wish. Don't I wish that there was some mistake--that this really is some cosmic blunder. But no, it appears that the ghastly rumors are true. The worst nightmare has become reality. 

     J. J. Abrams is putting Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars VII. 

     

"Oh, Jesus have mercy! Run! Forget the children! Save yourselllvvvess..."

     With a series as monumentally popular and profitable--I would say omnipresent in pop culture--it is safe to assume that there is going to be a lot of buzz surrounding the long-awaited (and long-dreaded, in some cases) resurrection of the Star Wars franchise. The original trilogy is still looked upon as some of the greatest Sci-Fi ever produced, Knights of the Old Republic was unprecedented in its establishment of character development as a key aspect of R.P.Gs, and anybody in my generation who didn't grow up with Star Wars LEGOs can't claim to have a childhood at all. 

Three hours putting this thing together... f**king nirvana, man.

     Yes, Star Wars has a special place in our hearts and always will. Sure, the prequels weren't as good (to sugarcoat it) and the new CGI T.V. show is abysmal, but new crappy entries in the franchise can't retroactively make the good stuff bad. The problem is that George Lucas keeps on trying to go back and retroactively make the good stuff into the crappy stuff. Basically, George Lucas ate a really good sandwich thirty five years ago and has been constantly dumping mayo and salt down his throat to make the sandwich better. 

     This is why it seemed, for a while, that having a new man at the helm might bring the legendary franchise back to its glorious roots. For one brief and shining moment, it looked like J.J. "Future King of the Nerds" Abrams was going to deliver: he signed the stars of the originals to reprise their roles, he claimed that he was going to return to the "Used Future" aesthetic of the first three, and, most importantly, he isn't George Lucas. But the good fortune has ended. J.J. Abrams has announced at a press conference that, in addition to the much anticipated return of Han, Luke, and Leia, everybody's least favorite racist cartoon rabbit that steps in the poopy is going to be prancing dementedly across the silver screen once again. 

     Let us shed our hats in a moment of respect for Star Wars, as this will surely be the final nail in our beloved old friend's coffin... 

     

NOT! 
Happy April Fool's Day!